Diary of a Mad Brown Waitress

I am a waitress. I am a good waitress and 99% of the time, a happy waitress. I was a cheerleader so I know how to do perma-grin. I have Botox® so I cannot frown. I treat people as I would want to be treated if I were the customer. Yes, before you say it, I know not every waitress embodies this philosophy but I believe the majority do. So with that in mind, I’d like to offer some suggestions on how to be just as good of a customer.

First of all, $2 is not a tip. It is a suggestion of a tip. The only time $2 is a good tip is if your total ticket price is only $10. And while we are on the topic of tipping, let me help you with that. It’s not rocket science. A good tip is $2 for every $10 spent. If your total ticket price is $50, then a suggested tip is $10. For $60, $12. For $65, its $13. Its pretty easy to figure out but it’s amazing to me how many people struggle with what to tip. This, of course is based on whether your server is a good server. But let me tell you, if you consistently tip $2 for a $50 ticket, word spreads and your service will not be anything over basic. On the contrary, word spreads if you’re a good tipper and we’ll bend over backwards to earn it. This of course is all based on the fact that your waitress is not crappy. I’m not a crappy waitress.

If your children cannot sit in a chair for the course of a meal, consider hiring a babysitter. This is not to be mean. I love well behaved children and I’ll go the extra mile for them. I am a mom and I get it. But for the sake of all they need to remain seated. I find parents of toddlers let them run around. This puts your kids at risk of having a waitress accidently not see them and knock them over or causing another accident. And if your children throw crayons all over the floor, please make an effort to pick them up. Chances are I will tell its fine and I’ll get it, but make an effort. Please don’t let your kids drag big rocking horses from the play area to your table. This creates a hazard for me and your child when trying to serve you.

If I am taking your order, please look at me. It’s inconsiderate of a customer to not make eye contact with their server. It helps us understand what your needs are and if we can see your eyes.

Please do not shake your glass, beer bottle or other beverage container at me. I will be by to check on you. And if I get behind, a simple “Oh Miss….” will suffice.

When someone in your party asks for an extra and I ask if anyone else needs anything, don’t wait until I come back to tell me. Please give me the opportunity to get it all in one trip.

Please understand that mistakes happen. It’s not on purpose. We truly do our best to get it 100% right. But if a mistake does occur, yelling at me does nothing but make me really angry or make me cry. Is the fact that your dinner is a little late really worth it? People are losing their loved ones in hospitals and many people don’t have enough to eat in general. And you are going to get upset because something with your meal is just a little wrong? Perspective, people. It’s just not that heavy. We will do our best to correct the issue, I promise. I want you to be happy. I want you to come back. Unless you are mean. Then I never want to see you again I don’t care how big you tip. Meanness is inexcusable.

Sometimes the kitchen gets behind when we are really busy or we have a big group. They are trying. I promise. But me hounding them only makes them mad at me and you glaring at me all the time will not make it come out faster. Your ticket is not lost, we are trying. And if my service is good but your food is slow, reducing my tip does not send any sort of a message to the kitchen. Just sayin’…

Please don’t come in 15 minutes prior to closing or right at closing. Most of us have day jobs and we are ready to go home to our families. If you are a late table, and you know you are a late table, at the least, don’t be as inconsiderate to sit there and sit there and sit there after your meal has ended. It holds up the entire staff and we get cranky.

If you have more than 4 in your party and your restaurant accepts reservations, please make them. That way we are ready for you and your table will be ready and your server prepared for your group. Life is better for all.

The most important thing I want you to know is that we are people just like you. The 13th amendment abolished slavery therefore treating us as such does nothing but make us dislike you. Speaking for myself, I am a professional in my day jobs. Waitressing is fun and it affords met the ability to keep my horse and keep my one hobby going. I am not less than you. I work hard to make sure your experience is good. Please look at me as an equal and I will look at you as a guest in my home.

On a final note, I enjoy the majority of my tables. If you have had a bad day, I want to make it just a little better. These are just some recommendations that I see day to day that helps you and helps me to help you to best of my ability.